Title: Jousting
Series: The sequel of sorts to my Fellowship of the Ring ficlet, The Greater Sword, and second in a (hopeful) series of innuendo-laden ficlets about weapons. Because I'm insane. Suggestions for other fandoms/euphemisms welcome.
Author: Carmarthen (lacorneille@earthlink.net)
Fandom/Pairing: A Knight's Tale (movie); William/Wat implied, Wat/Chaucer UST
Disclaimer: William and Wat belong to, I believe, Colombia Pictures and Black and Blu Entertainment -- anyway, not me. Chaucer belonged to himself, but he's dead.
Rating: PG-13 for much slashy innuendo and implied sex.
Spoilers: None that I'm aware of. Set pre-Jocelyn, I'm thinking.
Summary: Wat talks too much. William gets sick of it. Innuendos abound.
Warning: Slash: men flirting, men having implied sex. If you find this sort of thing offensive or not your cup of tea, go read something you like.
Archive: Yes to the A Knight's Tale Slash Archive (http://aknightstale.fanspace.com) and my personal site (http://thewritegirls.populli.net/carmarthen), others ask.
Notes: Happy [insert winter holiday here] to my friend Liz, who nagged and provided innuendos.
In response to various feedback: Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein is William Thatcher's alias, i.e., not his real name. If you actually watch the movie you'll note that Wat, Roland, Kate, and Chaucer all refer to him as "Will" (yes, this is directed at a certain flamer who apparently did not watch the movie). Wat is indeed spelled with an 'a.' "Wot" would be a Britishy dialect way of spelling "what." Check the Internet Movie Database if you don't believe me. Also, I am aware that "fong" means "kick" (at least according to the filmmakers), but I like my meaning better.

for Liz, who laughed at the root vegetables

Jousting

"Bloody fool," Wat muttered. "What did he think he was doing, talking loike that? I swear, if'n we didn't need him to make the patents, I'd fong him 'til he couldn't see straight an' it hurt him to--"

"Wat," William said, "shut up."

Wat shot William a dark look, or at least as dark as a skinny, sullen red-head could manage. "Oh, righty, I'll shut up 'cos you say, Sir William. D'you not remember how I used to beat you up, eh? Don't you bloody tell me to shut up."

William calmly set aside the sword he was polishing. He leaned forward, resting his chin in his hands and smirking like a cat who had gotten the cream. "Wat, if you don't shut up, I'll impale you on my lance."

Wat stared in disbelief. "Oh, as if I'm afraid of that, Will." He stood and started mincing around the fire, waving his arms about.

"I'm Sir William, the mighty jouster. Fear my lance!"

"Wat." William's tone was warning.

"Oh, come on, Will." Wat stopped waving his arms about and stared at William, one eyebrow raised skeptically. "Your lance isn't even all that big."

"What?"

Wat turned bright red, which made him look rather like an embarrassed carrot. "Er...nuffin."

"Oh, really?" William's voice would have melted butter. He stood gracefully and stalked around the fire towards Wat, who was nervously backing away. "I could have sworn you called into question the size of my lance...squire."

"Not me! Not me!" Wat threw up his hands in supplication and promptly backed into a tree. "Ow." He slid to the ground and looked up to find William standing over him, grinning. "Will? You're not mad at me, are you? You're not gonna do nuffin?"

William's grin widened and his voice grew husky. "Oh, I intend to impale you until you beg for mercy."

Wat scrambled to his feet and put up shaky fists. "I'll not take that lying down!"

"It can be done standing, too," William said, barely restraining laughter. "And even on horseback, I hear, although that sounds rather uncomfortable to me."

"Oooh, you--" Wat threw himself at William, flailing wildly.

"Have at ye, Wat!" William stepped aside at the last moment and Wat tripped over one of William's lances and went sprawling.

When the stars stopped dancing before his eyes, casting mocking aspersions on his manhood, Wat again looked up into William's amused eyes.

"So," William said a considerable while later. "My lance isn't all that big, eh?"

It was Wat's turn to smirk like a cat who had gotten the cream, so to speak. "I've seen bigger," he said diffidently.

William looked at him. "Next time we joust, I will see you flat on your back, you git," he said, his tone belying his threatening words.

"Oh, just a-cause you're the 'knight,' you think you can always win! I'll show you! I'll fong you 'til--"

Wat finally shut up.

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